So I have talked a lot about dysphoria. I was lucky that mine hasn't been as severe as other people's has. Especially with relation to body parts. At least I thought it wasn't. The truth is it is getting harder and harder to relate to the old me in that way. I still remember things but now I am so far from that person. I am euphoric even. That is what makes it so difficult. It is like a huge weight was pulled off of me. I am starting to forget that it was crushing me not just something I had to carry with me everywhere.
This is likely to fade in time of course. That is my expectation at least. I know it's impossible to keep climbing to new peaks of happiness indefinitely. One of the hardest parts for me has been to enjoy it. I feel guilty that I am so happy. I know that is illogical. I should be allowed to be happy. It's really hard for me to be selfish and put myself first in this way.
In the past when I was misgendered I would be upset. Maybe because I was trying to signal that I was a man and the person had not taken me seriously. Recently I had an appointment to get my eyes checked and likely get new glasses. I am still presenting as male at this point. I checked the box for female on the patient form. That felt pretty good but I worried what they might say. I also listed the HRT meds in the history, which again caused me discomfort.
After getting all the tests done I got to pick out some frames. The two ladies helping me were very nice and very patient. I think we tried like 20-30 frames. I couldn't tell the difference in most but there were a few that I clearly hated. Eventually I found a pair I thought was nice and we all agreed they suit my face. One of them was training the other and the one being trained asked about some field on the form they were filling out. The trainer said something like "Usually with this insurance we put this but with her insurance, she has this, so we put that." At first I was confused and then I realized that they were talking about me.
I didn't look the part but this was the first time someone intentionally gendered me with my preferred pronouns. I was smiling for the rest of the day. I even teared up a bit on the way home. It was such a simple thing but it really had an effect on me.
Now even though I am not quite signaling my gender visually I get the opposite reaction when people use female pronouns. It's a weird thing to get used to but I am liking it.
Riding The Wave
Dysphoria And Me