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Dysphoria And Me

Published: Mar 14 2017

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Morpheus, Red/Blue Pill scene

My Morpheus

So the scene above is kind of what I think of when I think of dysphoria. Maybe not exactly but basically I could choose to make the change or I could choose to take the pill I have been taking and go back to where I was. Instead of getting the offer just one time my Morpheus would visit randomly. Each time he would offer me the choice and each time I can choose either pill. Sometimes he visits every day and other times he disappears for months or maybe even years. 

I must make the choice though. I cannot choose neither. Also sometimes the choice to take one or both pills is made harder. Maybe the pill is bigger than usual or the water I have to drink it with is muddy. Morpheus is my internal dialogue, the voice in my head that kept saying "Something isn't right and there is an option to think about". I had always taken the blue pill before obviously. Distracting myself kept Morpheus at bay sometimes but eventually he would find the time for me. The red pill was usually scary. Unknown change that I was afraid of thinking about for too long.

Morpheus, just the truth

My voice was not without reason. This is not a "cure" and it's not instant. It is the beginning of a new path that is in some ways harder and some ways better. Will the good parts of this change outweigh the bad?

My Blue Pill

Everyone makes choices of course. Some big and some small. Few will have such huge impacts as transitioning but there are others out there. In my case the choice to keep going as I was seemed logical. No way could I be trans. No way were these feelings valid. Everyone had these thoughts and wanted a feminine body. I'm not trans "enough". Right? I just need to take the blue pill and keep this bottled up and I can be strong enough to make it go away. The feelings aren't that strong I can do it.

It's not that simple though. This is something in my...me. I can't beat myself at this. No more than I could make myself sprout wings and fly. When you hear of someone reaching the breaking point. I think that is the path the blue pill leads to most of the time. Maybe not always but it seemed to be a logical train of thought. I knew that Morpheus would never stop as long as I took the blue pill.

My Red Pill

After finally allowing myself to take red pill it still isn't black and white. I mean I still have some of those same doubts but now I know I am working on changing them. I know it is possible. Just that fact that the hormones helped should be validation enough. Estrogen is not a magic, happy drug. It is a hormone and it will do the function it's meant to and nothing more. The rest is on me to figure out. It's easier to see how bad the blue pill was for me now.

I wish I had started sooner but I cannot change the past or make the younger version of me understand anything I didn't want to. I can keep moving forward and working through the changes though. I know I don't want to go back to the blue pill since I can clearly see that the path I am on goes farther than that path.

Even after taking the red pill I get visits from Morpheus but now it is not scary and I can see that the blue pill is a step backwards. The red pill never gets harder to swallow like the blue pill did. The change I was afraid of is like a veil lifted from my eyes. Eventually Morpheus will go away and I will no longer question why things didn't seem to line up. I actually look forward to that day with an excitement I couldn't have had before.


I thought this also explained it pretty well:


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