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Two Crazy Weeks

Published: Oct 03 2017

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The Good

There hasn't been much change lately as far as my physical or mental state is concerned. I do notice more femininity in the mirror lately. Maybe I am just kidding myself. Every time I see glimpses of her I can't believe how far I have come. It is very new to not be indifferent to the person I see in the mirror.

On another positive note I recently went on my first date in...a long time. I had a huge fear that things would be awkward and forced but it was very pleasant. The conversation flowed and I didn't have any anxiety about my appearance. We ended up going on another date a couple days later with much the same results. My big fear was that being with a woman would put emphasis on my appearance as well as make me feel less feminine. I was afraid for no reason it turned out. If anything I felt more like a woman than ever. It is very hard to explain with words but I have read about other's trans experiences and they expressed that they felt "like a man/woman in a woman/man body" or that they were asked "what does it feel like to 'feel like a woman'?". I can't really do it justice with words. It feels natural. It feels right. It feels comfortable. All the things that are taken for granted by cisgender people (I am guessing). For a while I got to have those feelings, except they were obvious and not in the background. Anyways back on topic. We have confirmed that we are indeed girlfriend and girlfriend. The other day I had the thought that I was someone's girlfriend and had such a burst of emotions (all good ones) that I couldn't help smiling for the rest of the day. 

The last thing I consider good is that I got another tattoo. It has been a while and I didn't remember them being so painful! It wasn't bad after a few minutes but I have a feeling my pain sensitivity has gone up. Anyways I got a nice small symbol that is highly relevant to my current situation as well as the rest of my life. I am not a great researcher so I can't find the origin of the symbol. It is called Malin, of Swedish origins, and means "you have to face setbacks to be able to go forward".

The Bad

The last few weeks hasn't been perfect though. I was let go from my job. I knew it was coming and we had agreed on a final date. It still sucks. I have had some work as a freelancer to work on things as needed. It will help but it isn't the same as stability. Interestingly I had at least three people ask me if I thought it was because I am trans. Obviously I can't know for sure but the company kept me on for a few months and is also contracting me as needed. I tend to think the best of people and will usually give the benefit of the doubt and I don't think that my trans status had a role. 

The In Between

Today I had my first interview since my last day of work. More importantly it was my first interview since going full time. I don't think I did much better than I had in the past as far as interviews go. I might have talked a little more and given better answers but interviews are stressful for me. I had met with six people total and only one of them used a pronoun the entire time. You can probably guess I bring it up because they chose the wrong pronoun. I very visibly have breasts and my outfit was decidedly feminine. The thing that makes it stand out to me is that I did not correct this person. I wanted to but I just was too nervous to do it, especially in front of two other people. In hindsight I wish I had corrected them. It might have been something they marked on paper if I did but really any company I am interviewing for is being interviewed by me just as much as me by them.

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