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The Small Things

Published: Feb 23 2017

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How Does That Make You Feel?

So lately I have been getting more anxiety over the upcoming doctor appointment. I have been feeling great and just the thought of going back is sad. At the same time I worry that I made the wrong decision(s) and why would I need HRT when I feel so fine? It's kind of strange that I am in such a better place that I can hardly relate to how I felt before hormones and what led me down this path. 

I also had my first dream where I did something decidedly feminine. I wasn't a woman in the dream but I did speak with a new voice, the one I have been trying to practice with (in private). It was a good dream and nobody said "Hey that's not you!".

I finally got a bag and stopped carrying my wallet. It is just a messenger bag about big enough for an iPad so it's a little less awkward. It is new and still taking getting used to have to carry it around. I did get a wallet (the women's kind) with Hello Kitty. I haven't actually gone anywhere that I needed to get it out though.

I have also been getting manicures on the weekends where I won't have to visit family that I think will react poorly. I saw my sisters and my niece that night and my niece said I looked like a girl. I told her thanks and that was the end of that. I had this whole dialog in my head about what to say if anybody asked and nobody did. The nail technician (I don't know what they are called) at the salon said that they get plenty of male clients and many get polish too. I didn't say anything about the male comment. If I wasn't presenting that way she likely wouldn't have said it. I already have the next couple weeks of colors picked out. Pink for my birthday and green for the week after, when I am seeing Gaelic Storm (near St. Patrick's Day) and my HRT consult. The first time I got my nails done I took it off before going to work (got it on a Friday), but this time I did not. I need to get used to it and see for myself that nobody cares. I have had a couple looks but only two people have even mentioned it and neither said much of anything except "Oh you have painted nails". The office I work in is a strange place, think like Stepford Wives, so I just wanted to make sure that my supervisor wouldn't say anything. If I had to meet a client then I wouldn't wear it (yet). 

I took a few selfies and I feel like I can see a couple (slight) features softening. I actually took way more than usual (I started with one to begin my documentation). I am still pretty camera shy.

Overall I have been feeling really good and the stressing about what people will think is slowly (very slowly) not always on my mind. At least until summer when I should stop wearing sweatshirts. The difference now is that I am hopeful for the future instead of dreading it. 



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