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We Need To Talk

Published: Feb 28 2017

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Mixed Messages

Sometimes I feel like I clearly didn't think things through. On the one hand I feel like it's my life and you can accept it or not but this is what is going on. On the other I'm scared of the reactions and rejections. 

Previously I said I was going to tell people in order and calmly and with determination. It almost feels like fantasy. I also seem to be having a fantasy where I just blurt it out in a very casual way.

For example, I have some shirts that are not my style (it was a mystery bag) and rather than give them to a thrift shop I would like to give them to my sisters first. They are women's shirts after all. I am expecting them to say "Why do you have these?" to which I am fighting the urge to say "Because the woman I bought them for doesn't like them." The next obvious question is "Who is she?" Here is where I have to restrain myself from casually saying "It's me." 

Another example is when I think of my mom saying "But you're my son!" The reply in my head that sounds good is "Don't think of it as losing a son so much as gaining a daughter."

A part of me thinks that is totally an okay thing to do. I mean really it's a change in me and shouldn't affect them. Treating it so casually just seems so wrong and somehow I want it to be that way. Yeah, I'm changing but I am still me and don't want to dwell on the past and want to just move forward. However, this is major news. I need to make sure that I am taken seriously and that everyone understands the gravity of the situation. 

I have a terrible habit of making light of things, especially when I am nervous. I know it makes people think I am not taking it seriously when really it's that I do but I hate tense situations. 

In the end maybe it is just a fantasy of how to quickly get it over with. I can't imagine the reactions so that is as far as I think about it. 

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