Some people said some things that made me feel bad and then I continued to make myself feel worse.
I was in the car with my brother and talking about going dancing with a friend (who was in the backseat). We said we were going to a specific club, really the only one that plays dance music but it's also labeled as an alternative nightclub. My brother decided to tell us that he doesn't like it there because "all the trannies just hit on me". I don't like that word already and knowing that he meant it as a slur hurt even more. I told him off but I know he didn't understand why. I know he thought I was being dramatic or something. After explaining my position of how he just insulted me I find out he doesn't even know if he's talking about a drag queen or a trans woman. It's are all the same to him. By extension that means I am just another one of them to him. An outsider, not normal.
After getting to his work my friend and I were talking to him about some tattoos before we left. Just before we left his appointment came through the door. Of course it turned out to be the only trans woman I have met in the area. I had only met her once and she didn't respond to my messages afterwards so I just figured it was a one-off meeting. I hadn't even been presenting at all when we met and she didn't recognize me immediately. I recognized her because her hair was very similar and she was already presenting back then. We traded numbers and she got to talking to my brother about her tattoo. Just before they started talking my brother took this moment to introduce me to her, as his brother. I corrected him and he just said something like "yeah, that's what I meant". There were several things that made me angry about this. The most immediate was that it's been many months and he shouldn't even be thinking about me as a brother. I feel like if he was actually talking about me as his sister then it should be second nature by now. The second was that I was in a dress. I wasn't presenting as even slightly masculine. I even had makeup on, which I don't usually but since I was going out I decided to go all out. Just that he was so casual about correcting himself irritated me even.
I was talking with my friend who is also going to be my roommate. She is going through a divorce and needs a place and I want a bigger place, just works logistically right now. She got a text from her ex-husband saying that he is going to fight for full custody of their child because her (future) roommate is transgender. She understands on some level that he is just reaching for something to make her angry and that he has no legal case. She still got upset though. I didn't show it but I am very upset by it. I have never even met this guy and I am being targeted because it's convenient and easy to attack someone about their own medical issues. I know they aren't even thinking of that though. They are just seeing me as a target and not a person who deserves to have her own life.
I have been lonely and seeking romance (not necessarily just a hook up). Looking around me it seems so easy for other people to just find a date whenever they want. I have joined several dating apps/sites and have not found a single date. I have chatted with a few people but the few I met were looking to be friends only. It has been more readily on my mind because a friend of mine has taken to telling me about her dating/sex life and appears to have no trouble finding someone. I understand that she is seeking heterosexual men. I am seeking non-hetero women, which narrows my dating pool dramatically. Logically I understand all of this. That does not really help me cope emotionally.
As I said I understand logically that I am going to have a difficult time with all the issues that I am facing. None of this makes me think it's not worth it to transition. I simply cannot go backwards. It was certainly easier to not be an obvious target but I have a life worth living now. As well as being emotional because of the events this weekend I have been getting in my own head the more I think about it. I called my mom just to have someone to tell about the stuff that has been bothering me. I didn't mean to but I started crying pretty quickly. She told me not to take it personally and it's not about me and all the other comforting things that people say. It feels personal though when it's people attacking me or the way I am living my life. Thinking on it medical and mental health issues are some of the most targeted people and to many socially acceptable. Anything that creates an a separation of it's not me it's them.
The biggest issue has been myself. I feel like I am not allowed to feel bad about any of this. Sure, I can have feelings but other people have it worse so why am I crying? This kind of thinking is not good for me (or anyone). Why should I not feel bad? Why do I have to be strong all the time? Why can't I allow myself to have these emotions? In my mind I only have fragments of questions and fleeting thoughts that distill down to these questions. It reminds me of all the things that are told to boys/men. Boys don't cry, be a man, etc. I wasn't raised in a way that allowed me to be expressive and part of my own internalization of this was to repress all emotions, ultimately hurting me in the long run.
Just knowing it doesn't mean that I feel better though. Knowing the words and explanations for what I am feeling doesn't make it go away. Part of it is that I am a very logic oriented person and my feelings don't care about logic, which makes me feel more frustrated and emotional. Also feelings are messy and I am new to feeling emotions so strongly. Previously I would just pack it away and keep plodding on. Don't have to deal with any of those pesky feelings if you just go numb. Now I understand that I can't do that if I want to learn how to cope as an adult and grow as a person and move on with my life.
Watch Your Language