Not very long ago I confronted some feelings that I have continually bottled up and repressed for many years. They led me to question my past, present, and future. I did a lot of research and spent a lot of time thinking about if I wanted to make a reality of what I was researching. I needed to make a decision. Should I continue repressing these urges or should I plunge head first into a new life?
In the end I did take the plunge. In almost everything that I'd read I found the biggest regret was not taking the first step sooner and with the next year getting closer and my birthday not far behind I felt like my window was closing.
I was going to get hormones and begin to transition. I went online and I found a dispensary that did not require a prescription. I had to use bitcoin since they couldn't take credit cards (or debit). This wasn't an issue and soon I had an order in place. It took about 3 weeks, I believe, before I got the package. Every day I got more and more nervous that it was seized at customs or lost or that it was all just a ruse. The day they arrived I don't even remember feeling anything. I was excited of course but after weeks of anticipation this small box had finally arrived.
I had started with 2 mg E (oral) and 100 mg spiro (50 in the morning and 50 at night). After about 7 days I changed to taking the E sublingually (dissolve under the tongue). The changes from the estrogen weren't noticeable to me, at least not right away. The changes from the spiro were immediate. Even on a low dose my libido dropped like a stone. If I was to use a percentage I would say by about 70%. At some point I began noticing that my skin was a little softer. I mainly noticed it around my neck and a little on the arms. After about 2-3 weeks I noticed my breasts were sore. Like a constant bruised feeling or like I'd done a strenuous workout but for my breasts only.
After 28 days I changed to taking 2 mg E 12 hours apart in the morning and night. At some point around then I also increased the dosage of the spiro to 100 mg each. By this point my libido dropped to about 90% of what it was. I had read that spiro would cause frequent urination but I had always had to go to the toilet at least once an hour already and didn't notice any changes there. By this time my breasts were sore constantly. I can't really tell if there is any real growth or if I just imagine it. I do feel like it's harder to hide under my shirts at work. Luckily it's the middle of winter and I have a sweatshirt on at my desk (but not during client meetings). My skin still feels pretty much the same as it did after the first week (to me). I don't notice any difference in hair growth (in any directions).
So for the bulk of my life I have been pretty even with emotion. I mean there are 2-3 songs that brought me to tears at various points, and occasionally I would like a sappy movie. I do get angry but it's mostly when playing video games (I'm competitive) or driving. If I was to be described otherwise though I think I would be the opposite of interesting. At points in my life I have been described as monotonous, stoic, and boring. It was rare for me to show my emotion even if it was a strong one.
The first 2-3 months on my new medication I was excited. This was all new and I was in the honeymoon phase. The excitement is there but it's not as strong. There is also some worry that has come back because eventually I will need to come out and that scares me.
Now when I see a sad scene in a movie or show I get sad. I feel happier but don't notice laughing or anything like that more than before. I have a few mixed reactions here and there. Mostly I don't get angry/irritated as much but then occasionally I do at silly things. I understand that I am basically going through a second puberty and these feelings quickly subside.
That is about where I am currently. I still haven't presented at all outside of my home. I am taking it day by day and soon will be getting an appointment to go the legitimate route. I did tell my regular doctor during my physical and that was the hardest thing I have done so far. She couldn't do a lot but did order a blood test for me and was very nice about it all. I am going to send her a card because making my first experience (telling a human) so pleasant is more than I could have hoped for.
Subsequent posts will likely not be so long.
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